I am mainly just wanting to spout here...

I have successfully pushed away everyone who has cared about me now except for my children. I am fairly sure they are still around because I support them and/or pretty much let them do as they please.

I did not used to think of myself as being alone as long as I had an active love interest. As they all left me in the dust I began to realize that I hurt everyone who gets anywhere close to me.

So, now I have made up my mind that I am better being alone. At least I don't hurt anyone that way. But I feel so alone I can bearly stand it. It drives me further into isolation.

I made up my mind that I would just find things I could do on the internet to keep me occupied. I cut off Facebook because it was just like a graveyard. I felt I could do nothing but lie on there anyway. I was certainly not going to let everyone who ever knew me know how I was really doing.

So, now I post on Google+. That seems safe because no one looks at that anyway, lol.

And I am on here. This is my first post. There's no one on here who would know me or give a $**t if they thought they did. Sometimes I feel like I just need to write it all out somehwere in public. Don't ask me what I hope to accomplish. I could not tell you.

I was always pretty straight up. A church-goer. Married. Family. I would not and did not ever go outside my marriage to find intimacy although there was a particular person I was very fond of towards the end of my screwy marriage. I would never have laid a finger on her nor suggested it, either.

The one thing that really was totally f****d up was that my wife cheated on me every other year. I deployed to Iraq for a year and that was the end of it. That was about 4 or so years ago.

I look back and realize that I struggled with depression. The whole marriage thing exacerbated that. Instead of getting help I figured God would somehow magically deliver me from it. Not that He couldn't... I just supposed He did not want to. I'm not sure what the story is.

I guess I need something to struggle with or there would be no reason at all to continue living exept for keeping my children out of the gutter. That's a worthwhile reason to do anything That's my reason for life at this point until they move out--at which point I am going to become a hermit.

So--after the deployment and the divorce I felt pretty sorry for myself. I was way out to lunch in that think I figured it was ok to do things I had would never have believed I would do in my previous life.

Besides the women I looked for (which did not amount to much) I fell in hopeless love with my ex-wife's best friend (which I did not look for--she approached me but I was all too happy to oblige because I idolized her). That was a bad move (like I even need to say that). I got real hurt and I still have trouble getting her out of my head.

After that I tried real hard to be happy being single. After many months of working towards emotional health I got there for a very short time. That's when another woman I had idolized from high school started contacting me.

She made no secret that she always wondered how it would have been if she and I had ended up together. Little by little she used me to escape her over bearing husband. We met a few times (even though she lived all the way across the US) and we were very much in a romantic relationship.

Without going into too much detail she abruptly stopped communicating with me. Not sure exactly what happened there but my heart was very much broken again. That's when I knew that I knew that I knew that I really needed to stop hurting people and the only way to do that was by being alone.

I went through a very dark time for about 6 months. I am just starting to come out of it now.

I hate where I am but I am certain a love relationship is not a good way to treat depression. It only exacerbates it once the relationship inevitably ceases. I am just trying to be happy being single but I am experiencing something else now.

I don't want to do anything. I don't like anything. I find no pleasure in anything. I do find some pleasure in my children and I know I need to hang on for them (they live with me during the school year and the older two live with me all the time). I know I need to hang onto my job so I can support them because their mother does not want to support herself or them. I don't want to get into the whole child support thing here. That's another discussion entirely.

I feel so lonely and worthless. I hate it! I stopped caring about my appearance--which at 50 is sort of expected, I suppose. The only thing that makes me feel happy any more is finding ways to shut off my brain. I won't go into that here, either.

I have tried to get help from the VA. They are worthless. No, they are destructive. The last time I saw a shrink there he gave me something to stop smoking which threw me into a suicidal spiral. @$$***e. I asked for something to help my depression (I was proud of myself for having reached out at all). Instead he gave me what he thought I needed and I did not understand that.

The only person who I felt really understood me (not my ex-wife) won't have anything to do with me now... but I had that coming. Refer to the previous paragraph regarding the ex's best friend... She just always knew what to say and how to say it. I wish I had just said no when she approached me. We may have yet been friends.

I am just not sure where to go next. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. I am slowly adjusting to being alone but am not very happy doing it. I believe I need to take care of myself but I have difficulty seeing the point... I mean, I understand the academic points of children/job, etc... There's just nothing in it emotionally for me. I'm a freaking loaf of bread (scriptural reference) and I hate it. Is this ever going to go somewhere good?