When I wake up in the morning I am always nauseous. I usually just dry heave and it goes away before I head to work, but it's getting worse. Not only with the nausea, but I hate people now. I used to love hanging out with people and now the closest I get is getting online and playing games with people I used to hang out with. I hate leaving my house, and it seems like I make destructive decisions that alter my life and can't control myself. For instance, this morning I had the usual nausea but called into work when I know I could have gone in. I feel like I'm scared to leave the house, and when I do leave, I don't like to be gone for more than a few hours. I am highly uncomfortable around people and when conversing with most, in my head all I say is, "shut up and leave me alone" even if the conversation is pleasant.

A few years ago I had a rough ending relationship that screwed me up big time. My father was pretty much a painkiller medicine cabinet, so I gained a huge Hydrocodone 10/325 addiction, peaking at about 12 pills a day, along with a morphine and alcohol problem. I also destroyed my work reputation and lost my job and ended up moving back with my father and did nothing but collect unemployment for a couple years and during this time I wouldn't call anyone back or leave the house.

Fast forward to last summer. I quit all of the painkillers and opiates I was on through mainly Weed with one strip of Subutex. I reenrolled in college, and am currently a 26 year old student with a 3.7 GPA, get grants for school, and have a good part time job.

But it's happening again, all of the feelings and helplessness I had before are coming back and my stupid immature decisions not to leave the house are starting to hurt my status at my job and have recently had me feeling like just giving up. I know I have things going for me, but I feel like everything is pointless. Jobs, family, friends, etc. I think of the happiest time of my life, and it makes it feel like my life right now is ****. Excuse the language.

I recently found out that depression runs in my family, and all online quizzes and articles point to depression or anxiety, but I do not have the funds nor healthcare to talk to a psychiatrist. I also am scared of pills because my addictions to prescriptions almost got me killed a few times.

I've never posted something like this before, but I am in desperate need of help so I don't tear my whole life apart again. Thanks for reading.