Hi everyone. I am new to this site (just joined minutes ago) so sorry if this post is in the wrong category or whatever, or if it's hard to follow. I joined this site because lately I don't know how I can handle my life. I know for a fact that I have depression. I've had it for years, and I am now almost 21. Problem is, I haven't told anybody, and I feel like I should. I'm too scared, though, that it's going to make me lose people in my life.
My story is that when I was a little girl, I used to get bullied for being the nice one, sticking up for people who normally wouldn't have anybody stick up for them. But that is who I am as a person and I would not want to change that. I often got called too nice and got made fun of and manipulated. The bullying has continued my entire life since then, and I also was in an extremely toxic relationship that I have never felt more betrayed from in my entire life.
Now I go to college and I am a part of a college sport. However, I am not sure I want to be a part of this sport anymore. It used to be the thing I loved more than anything besides family and school. I thought going to college and moving away would allow me to start over.... but boy was I wrong. My two best friends at school transferred and the next one decided to commute, so she will never be around anymore. If I quit this sport, I will lose almost everybody that I talk to at this school, and I will be a junior. I don't like anything about myself, and it's really hard for me to meet people. The one good thing about this school is that I am in a happy relationship, and I'm scared that me feeling this depression is going to affect it or make me lose him. It's so hard to hide it from him, because I've never had somebody care about me this much in my life, but I don't want this to be a burden to him. He has a lot of conflict in his life right now as well and I do not want to add on to it. I also have guy friends, but it's not the same as never being able to hang out with girl friends.
My life is also rather annoying because every time I try to even remotely vent to somebody about a problem I am facing, they always tell me it's going to be alright, or I should be more fortunate in my life. I have a lot of great things in my life, like a supportive family, who is upper middle class rank I would say. We have a lot of great possessions and I was very successful in high school with grades and sports and friends, or so it seemed to everyone. I often get told by people that they are jealous of my life because of what I make it seem like. I don't want that, yet I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want to feel better about myself without being selfish, because I am so broken. It's all surfacing now, which I don't understand it, because having somebody like my boyfriend is honestly the best thing that has been in my life. So why hurt so much? Last week I cried 6 out of 7 of the days of the week because I am so stressed out and I don't know how to handle it anymore. I've always been easily irritated, but now it's getting worse.
I guess I am on here to ask advice on how you guys have taken the step to get professional help, because I don't know how to make it happen. I know it needs to, but I don't know how to tell my parents it's been nine years. I don't know how to tell my boyfriend without making him shocked, but I am going to have to if I am on medication and that stuff. It's just complicated. I just feel really lost and scared to go back to school in a month. All help is appreciated!