Yeh I am aware they are likely the biggest thing that messed me up, and the fact they let me be abused by others/unprotected as a child. I do have contact, the messed up thing is I am the one who contacts them most which in turn allows them to pretend to be the victims since they can say "well she is coming to us why would someone go to people who abuse her?" It's hard to be alone in life. I have recently come to terms with the fact I may have to not contact them which is pretty easy since they never visit me or call me unless they are drunk or wwant something anyway really. I think that's why I poured all this out in this post. It's messed up just how much they have done to me and I still wanted family. I think I got good at living in denial and believing thier stupid justifications etc. Also if they are also disordered which makes sense then you have the manipulations and lies from them convincing me too. It's a pretty toxic thing. So many messed up lies and threads. It is very hard right now cos I basically see noone, no visitors, very few calls, just me alone always, very boring. I think in the past it has also been my need for things to do that has made me re contact them.