I'm not really alone, but I'm very lonely all the same. I had my very first therapy appointment a week ago and I ended up babbling my head off because I felt like it was the first time I had anyone to talk to in years. I have family, and one friend, but we only ever talk about superficial things. I don't usually hang out with my one friend for more than an hour a week too.

It's hard for me to make friends since I hate leaving the house and talking to people, but I still desperately want them. I feel like an idiot talking to people. Like I can't keep up with the conversation because my mind will start to worry I'm not being attentive enough, then like magic I lose focus on what they are saying and I feel like a complete idiot. Not to mention if I do or say anything slightly embarrassing I start to cry then my embarrassment goes through the roof and out of the universe, so naturally I can never allow myself to see that person ever again.

Keeping friends is another nightmare. Every once in a while I viciously turn on everything I like, then my "friends" (99.9% of the time online) have nothing in common with me anymore and we typically stop talking.