I don't know what. I need help. Medicine isn't the answer.

My therapist doesn't want to deal with this. I don't know how to find one who can and at this point I am asking my son to pay cash for therapy as the *******ed mental health system is for people who don't get well.

I don't know how to process what I know about politically motivated torture. I studied political science, economics and law. I can intellectualise from here to the death of the sun, but I can't process It.

I want to die. I feel defeated. I feel its all over. I don't want to live in the world. I don't know how.

My son has a good life.

My heart is broken. My spirit too. When I saw my friend flinch from me...

...a friend from high school was in town. She saw that I was not sleeping. She was concerned. I told her. My friend had been locked up. He had night terrors...

She told him Holocaust jokes.

She taught him a pattern by which the unspeakable can be spoken. He learned. He used the same pattern to tell me about prison.

I looked It up again. The prison and the other prison, the names of the organizations. It's real then. People really do bad things. Others know too.

I don't want to be here.

I can't tell you the despair I felt when Americans were so eager to torture "terrorists". When our little girls were doing bad porn fantasies...and all the world hates us for It.

What is wrong with us as a species?

What are we anyway?

Why did all the bad stuff happen in July?