There's also something I get the feeling might not be coming across too clearly.
I'm a guy.

I don't know if that will affect any of the advice you all have given me, which I continue to appreciate enormously, but I thought I should get that out there. That might give a better idea of why I'm so conflicted and embarrassed by this whole ordeal.

I'll just put a paper bag on my head and shrink away from all public interaction due to mortifying embarrassment now shall I?