Yeessss back to T today! Most of the session was talking about the pain of the break. T trying to explain to me that though its hard its working.

I asked why am I in therapy? I mean why don't I live life "normal" ? She tried to explain how I've built defenses to not need people and most of them over the yrs have been self destructive, but cover with the illusion that they are helping me.

Then I remembered how desperate I was when I first arrived at therapy. With visions of green monsters coming out of my head, but still I said, I find when your not here, that I am thrown back to those times. Hard, struggle, pain!

She agreed but also pointed out that the old defenses no longer work as well for me now and though new ways of coping haven't been internalised yet, she feels that I do use her to help me think better.

I agreed with that, but said I can hear your voice, think how I think you'd think but I still miss "you" She said "yes, your still at the stage where you need me to help you. I liked hearing that, validation!

Of course now I feel balanced yet again! feel full of new hope again. Feel the return of that inner strenght and passion that was dripping away as the break went on.

At the start of session, I told her I didn't want to come incase she smirked as if the break and been a punishment she has set up for me, but by the end of the session I asked her If I could stay there forever LOL!

Oh well, keep on trudging I guess.