my heart hurts. my head hurts. my cuts from saturday hurt. i hate the weekends because i am always alone and i hate being alone with myself. so i drink and i cut because it takes me away from myself. then i hate myself for the drinking and the cutting. but then i do it all over again anyway because i don't know any other way anymore.

i had a horrible anxiety attack on saturday. i went to the grocery store to get food but there were so many people in there and they were all smiling and talking to each other, and they all looked so healthy and happy, and suddenly i felt like everything was closing in on me and i couldn't breathe. and i just had to get out of there.

god i just want this to end. it's too exhausting. i couldn't even get online over the weekend to see if anyone was here because my home computer died last month. that really sucks because the weekends are the worst for me. i just wish i could stand myself enough to be alone with myself and be ok with it.