I'll start by saying that I grew up in a prudish family where my parents never exhibited sexuality with each other, all very hidden, hardly more than a chaste hug and kiss in front of the kids. I was a virgin until I was 18 because I was afraid of sexual attention from boys, had very low self-esteem, was overweight and became bulimic at 16. At 18 I met my first real boyfriend, a man who was 9 years older than me. Took my virginity and became my focus in life for the next few years until I grew away from him emotionally because he was mentally abusive and tried to isolate me from my family and anything that brought me joy that existed before him. Very controlling. Yet, I stayed with him for 8 years out of fear of being alone.

He taught me well sexually up until I began to resent him and not want sex. After him, I had a couple of flings and then another three year relationship, all during which I could never orgasm.

Then, I met my husband and we have been married for 16 years. My husband is very safe emotionally, but he has always been a bit heavy and I have realized that I am just not attracted to him. I can have orgasms with him but I have to work very hard to get it going.

All in all, I have found myself without any sex drive, even towards any other men outside of our marriage. My husband goes on porn sites and I can't even get excited by what I am seeing.

He would love for us to swing. I find sex very frustrating because I have to work so hard to ever come. And there's really only one position that works for me to come. Once I do I can have multiple orgasms, but the getting there is so tough and even subsequent ones are hard to get to.

I miss the high that you get when you are first sexually attracted to someone, and I realize now that that was the only time I ever felt that way, at the beginning of a relationship - but is that normal for everyone? Also, with the men I was with, I was with them because I was responding to the fact that they wanted me.

My husband would like to swing or have three ways, but I am afraid that I will get emotionally attached to an outside man if he should become interested in me. Does that make sense? I think I now send out vibes that I am UNAVAILABLE so that I don't attract any unwanted interest. I don't flirt or if I do I then become afraid that I will be encouraging infidelity.

So, I am feeling very frustrated, not out of unsatisfied urges but because I don't have any. I really want our sex life to be more satisfying for both of us. I'm just not sure where to start to make a difference. I even bought some new sex toys to try to masturbate and had trouble there as well!

I am in perimenopause at 49, and have been taking antidepressants for my whole adult life. Depression and low self esteem. Where should I begin? Sex therapy? Physician (hormones?)? I've been in regular therapy throughout the years and am tired of it, never really felt like it made a difference, but maybe I just had the wrong kind of therapy. The idea of therapy is exhausting.

I feel like I am asexual at this point. I can go day to day without any desire to masturbate, have sex with my husband, or have sex with anyone! I have no fantasies, even, no sexual thoughts. My husband asks me to share a fantasy with him and I can't even think of anything!

Shoot, sorry this is so long, but I am in a midlife crisis of sorts, realizing my youth is well behind me and that I better get cracking if I want the second half of my life to be better than the first!