My agitation is through the roof tonight. I just want to explode. Nobody gets the fact that I need to go back to work. My pdoc said I have to have 6 consecutive months of total stability in order for her to "consider" it. No one seems to understand the rush. The professionals say I need to relax and be in the moment. I'm sick of their crap.

THE RUSH IS...that I'm 50 years old, spent my $7500.00 in retirement money during a manic episode, I have no savings. I have no one to rely on but myself. I can't seem to get more than 10 days of stability. This is not how I saw my life unfolding, I'm just a waste of space, I swear.

No matter what I do, I just can't seem to get better. I'm out of options. I had such a great career, totally on top of my game at one time. many commendations to my name.

And now, I stay in only going out for appts and going to the store. All my friends have gone on. This weekend I spent the nights crying because everyone was gone camping or to the cottage or the trailer and here I am. I use to do all this stuff with them.

I don't even know who I am anymore and this life is just a waste of space and not worth living anymore.

I'm always the first one around here to say you have to keep fitting... well f**** it, I'm full of crap.