I have thought for quite a long time that there is something other going on than what I was previously diagnosed with. I have been suspicious of having quite a few things, such as: PTSD, OCD, PMDD, GAD, and most recently and strongly, BiPolar Disorder. For a little background history, there is Alzheimers and schizophrenia on my mother's side, and depression on my father's. At 14 I was hospitalized for self-harm and diagnosed with depression. I was only on medication for a few months and then stopped receiving treatment. It was around this time that I was doing some very reckless things such as running away from home, dropping out of high school. meeting people from the internet, and hanging out with others who were involved in some very serious things. Though I was not actually doing a lot of drugs or having promiscuous sex. I'm not sure even now if these could be considered symptoms of anything, or just a rebellious stage. From 15-19 I was in an abusive relationship (which is where my concern for PTSD comes in), and am missing some memory from this period of my life. I have been to therapy a couple of times, but have yet to return to a psych since my hospital experience as a teen.

I am constantly worried, and more recently to the point of paranoia. I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for years, and very recently to the point of my hands and feet going numb while driving. I have depressive episodes that leave me with absolutely no motivation, causing me to not get out of bed for up to two weeks, calling into work, not going to school, and not speaking to people (isolating). I will also get a very intense tension and an almost panic at any thought of communication involving the use of a telephone. During my depression periods, depending on the severity I will self-mutilate (about once every two years at this point, as a teenager it was multiple times per day, but with no suicidal intentions), "shut-down" to the point of being unable to process a thought or communicate, rock back and forth for hours, etc. I also have spontaneous crying fits, but have had those for years, and though irritating, do not bother me like the anxiety.

New things that have popped up over the last 1 1/2 - 2 years are periods of extreme and near violent anger towards people I love. Gradually they have increased and the outbursts can be as frequent as every week now. I also have the racing thoughts and inability to concentrate, which used to be a strong point of mine. In addition, usually while having these racing thoughts its like I can hear myself speaking to me (which I feel hesitant to call "voices", but may be). I have started obsessively purchasing items (this is where my part of my concern for OCD comes in), not to the point of debt, but to the point of spending all of my money and my savings. It also occurs as a sort of pattern, like buying an excessive and ridiculously unnecessary amount of cosmetics over the period of a month, then suddenly feeling the need to stock up on paper products or food that wont even fit into cupboards, and obsessively going after those things. I also reorganize and clean frequently, and will have near meltdowns if anyone puts anything out of order. I have also related to the taking on of large projects as a bipolar symptom. Last spring when my symptoms really started to spiral out of control I took on 6 classes (18 units) at school, as well as a leadership position while still working, thinking I could absolutely keep up. Unable to do so led me to dropping out of school, inevitably having to give up the leadership position, leading to me not getting out of bed for weeks, missing work, etc.

I have not been to see doctor yet, as I've been waiting for my insurance to go into effect. Some days this feels like torture, and I literally think that I am going to crack. Does anyone else have a combination similar to mine, and what is your diagnosis? Thanks for any response.