I dont recall being like THIS before. I have had all kinds of trauma, like everyone, because life is traumatic. I've had all kinds of odd feelings, images, fantasies, and symptoms and sensations come and go while I release trauma.

I'm stuck NOW on a BOY who was then the age my son is now, who had been one of the students arrested and locked up in political prison after a a brouhaha in the eighties.
He had PTSD symptoms. He carried on in spite of some bad nights. He was an admirable person. He was my boyfriend but also a real friend. I mean, my feelings for him went way beyond romantic/sexual/infatuation. We cared for one another. We were emotionally close.

He wasn't a special guy because he got hurt. He was a special guy because he was like me in ways most people aren't. I have always been an odd duck and he was one just like me. We felt good together. We were an attractive couple. I sensed people liked us. We didn't cling to one another, we felt really good and balanced together.

I haven't had that since I was 22.

I've been pretty stoic about It but ive been very lonely.

Why would anyone hurt a young man? He hadn't done anything. He got out of political prison and did something and went back in and got out and left the country. But why would anyone grab young men and lock them up and abuse them? Intellectually I know why. Emotionally I feel inexplicable. Impossible.

Except It was a country where college students were pretty bright. Pretty elite. Intellectual even.. they always go for the intellectuals.

My psychologist at the time was hostile to me. I was traumatised, I already had PTSD, and my boyfriend has PTSD and i cant reach him when hes in night terrors, and my behavioral psychologist is hostile to me, because im not a narcissist like her, because I feel so much, because I am gifted, and because my guy was where he was from. Because thats what a narcissist can be sometimes. Envious to the point of rage at other peoples emotional attachments.

Do you think that could be why I have been plagued with a sense of shame and inferiority since ive been remembering THAT July? (He got better when we traveled. No terrors on road trips. We had a really beautiful late summer and autumn traveling together.)

I'm bargaining, please Krishna get me over the hump tonight and I will be a devotee forever. Or visit the free vegetarian dinner and make a donation. If you still do that. Or tell Kali get me over this and I will be her devotee forever or figure out something. So religion isnt my thing but please Krishna and Kali and anyone else, get me over the hump tonight and I will write letter for every prisoner Amnesty sponsors and write twenty five to fifty words a day for human rights causes and If I dont have to be crazy anymore i will teach a trauma release method for free forever because when ptsd is avoidable terror and torture be virtually obsolete. Yo. Hanuman. Help me, bro'! (He's come through for me before.)

This is pitiful.