Hello deadpoet, I don't really know why I'm commenting on this I can't being really to imagine what you must be feeling losing someone like that.
You said your relationship was kind of toxic, I've been in those I once dated a guy who out relationship wasn't good for anyone let alone us but we couldn't stay away. When I walked away if was for the best but it was hard for awhile.
I thought maybe even though we were terrible to one another he was the best I would ever get, I feared being alone.
I'm engaged now to a wonderful man, he treats me like a man should.
I want you to know that you deserve a great relationship and while it's hard now you will find someone who makes you see what you were missing and you'll realize that one wasn't working.
A toxic relationship blinds you until you don't realize it until you step back and think about it. I hope you get to feeling better and if you want to PM I'd love to talk to you and help if I can.