thanks for the hugs everyone. i needed them. secretgarden, i don't have a t right now, am planning to call the mental health center when i get home from work today, they offer therapy/meds at sliding scale, but i'm really scared. i've been living this way for so long that the idea of change is really frightening. like what if i can't do it? but i don't want to live the rest of my life this way. its been too long already. i told my brother i was going to the mhc, he is supportive but he doesn't know about the si. i just can't tell him. there's no one i feel comfortable talking about it to. i've only ever told one person (other brother) and he had almost no reaction. i'm scared to even open up to a t about it. i guess i'll have to if things are going to change though.

that anxiety attack was horrible. i'm usually ok in public but i just couldnt handle it this time. i couldn't wait to get home.