It was extremely hard to resist the temptation NOT to turn into my office complex this morning. One mile down the road is the Interstate. One mile. One mile to one day of some kind of weird freedom. 20 minutes to and through downtown Detroit. An hour twenty total to Ohio. I could have had a late lunch in Kentucky and still been home at dinner time, as if it had never happened. One mile to the on-ramp.

But I didn't. I am really nervous today for some reason. And I honestly don't know why. It's NOT about finding a trauma therapist, I feel really good about that, I think it's what I need if I am going to ever resolve this.

God, I don't feel like doing a bit of real work today. And I know if I did I would feel better. I want to blow this day off all around.

So, I'm sitting here, alone in the office, listening to Eminem and Rihanna on infinite loop - 'The Monster' - what better song for today, a guy trying to come to terms with his demons.

I have an appointment on Friday. I can't begin to tell you how relieved I am finding someone, who I think has the potential to really help me.

Today isn't about that. I'm not sure what it is about, other than the big picture of how f'ed up I feel at times. Nothing specific happened, in fact, IRL ("In Real Life") I'm pretty happy about a couple of things, including the fact that I just transitioned per professional recommendation to a new swimming coach, a guy who I think will really be great for me, looking forward to working with him.

But still, I would rather be on my way to Ohio right now.