Teacake, you are doing better at telling your story, it is coming out clearer and not so broken up. Putting it all together into your story with all the emotions and questions you had and have is how you need it all to come up to grieve and finally process.

The psychologist that was so mean to you represents a lot to you. Anyone who expresses any kind of "tells" that resemble how she looked and acted are going to be very triggering and that can go very deep where your conscious mind isn't always seeing. The other day when you were struggling and your mother made negative comments to you, that is a "tell/trigger" that connects with this psychologist that invalidated you.

The way that psychologist treated you is something you revisit in different ways too. You have been stuck between being her victim and yet you also are deeply angry and want to get back at her, then again be hard like her too, and yet a big part of you is still hurt by how she didn't comfort you, but instead was a cold butch. You didn't have "anyone" there to help you with that, certainly not your mother.

Then you have that question of "why did someone I loved and connected with so much have to be so badly hurt"? Didn't anyone see his value, didn't anyone even care? And while you felt that do deeply, you reached out for help and you ended up with a woman psychologist that made you feel like your trauma was "insignificant" and that you were wrong to be so upset and traumatized. You had a deep soulful connection that was very important to you, another person you really deeply connected with and at an age where that was very significant and important, and you could not "protect" it and keep it safe somehow, and others have "invalidated and questioned the worth of what that all meant to you". Something important to you was taken and you also saw a person that was important to you have so much taken from him and you saw the depths of his pain too. It seems so cruel and unbelievable how others don't see the significance of that, how can people be so unaware?

You gave your son the love and protection that other young man didn't get, and also whatever you didn't get. However, in so doing, your son is not going to really appreciate the "why" behind all that you provided for him. Yes, he was taken care of and does quite well for himself, you wanted that, yet it is bittersweet too because of how he was "safe" and kept from what "you" experienced and with that, he will not have that deep understanding of you that has been denied you for so many years. If he looks at you like, "mom is crazy" and he doesn't really "see" you, that hurts. You invested a lot in him, and much more than he can really appreciate, he is on his own and you are left once again "alone" and invalidated.

That is why you are back in that moment and struggling so much right now, in a way you felt it coming and you were trying to reach out for that entity that would have the capacity to really see it and be there the way you always needed. Yes, you visit that place that has people who "are supposed to" help and yet you are so much more "aware" of the tells that they cannot see though even as they have good intentions.

((Teacake)), when someone suffers from PTSD, they actually "do" see and feel so much more than the average person does. A person who has PTSD knows in a deep intimate way the "hurts and pain" that human beings do to other human beings that so many develop ways of "disassociating" from which is what they call, "just", in other words, "just ignore it, just don't dwell on it, just get over it, just don't let yourself think about it because it's over". But you know different, you know "it isn't over". If "only" that could be put into words where others "can" see it too. It is damn lonely to see it "alone" the way someone with PTSD does. It gets so it is hard to think about anything else too, and that is what presents the "loss of sense of time" and the challenge with "the emotional pain" and yet, this desire to "learn" too. That is also "why" it becomes hard to be around and interact with "others" too, and why the desire for isolation takes place. That is also "why" so many things can be trivial and annoying and can create "anger and frustration" when someone has PTSD and sees and feels so much more "depth".

Teacake, you asked one time "why you seem to hurt or push away those that love you or that you love". You are not really pushing them away, it is just that they don't see you the way you deeply desire them to see you and it bothers you so much that you get frustrated and in that, you push them away. And also a big part of that goes back to that psychologist whom you needed so desperately to see you and help you and instead she "invalidated" you. Your friend that stepped away from you triggered you, anyone that reacts to you in any way that reminds you of this psychologist will trigger and upset you.
Because of what happened with your friend, you have been experiencing "episodes" too. "She is a nice lady, but she is crazy?". No, you are not crazy, you are "hurt".

Yes, you put a lot away and you had a son and because you were so busy with doing that the best way you could, to do for him what was not done for you, you "functioned" and kept a lot of "what you feel now" at bay. Yes, your son is now on his own, independent and doing well, he is at the age of the young man that came into your life and presented you with some very deep challenges that "traumatized" you. How is it that you are right back in that place again? And the other thing you are experiencing is how both your son and this man you loved are "disconnected" from you too. You have two very different scenarios and both of them are "emotionally challenging but in different ways". You connected with both these individuals, yet at the same time in both cases you are disconnected too, neither one is really "with you and seeing YOU". ((((Teacake))), that is very "hard" for you and I am "very sorry" about that and I do see it. Yes, that is lonely but it doesn't mean you failed, yet, I can see how you can feel that way at times. I hear it when you "hate" needing your son to help you. Maybe it would not be so bad if he could really see how strong you were for him, maybe he sees some of it, but he doesn't see a lot of it, and you made sure of that didn't you, how bittersweet huh?

This is a "lot" to be alone with. If only you could get help for this in a way where you can not have to "disturb" where you put your son because you "were" there for him and he is thriving because of that. And your mother is "never" any help and just triggers you to remind you of that too. You certainly need to make "peace" with all of this, but will anyone be capable of seeing that with you?

Yes, you are right, that is very hard to find in "one" person. And I know you are looking for that too. I get that, see my mood? "frustrated".

The other day I asked a question, "can you tell me when, how long do I have to wait", and the person answered, it is up to us and can't tell you that and sorry you are not getting the answer you "hoped" to hear", and honestly that has been taking place for a really long time with me, so much that "hope" to me has become "futile".

One of things I noticed about PTSD is the deep subconscious reactions that take place that the conscious mind is not part of. "Did I react to something that bypassed my conscious awareness"? I see that take place a lot when I try to go out and take care of my horses which is "where a lot of the trauma took place". I don't "decide" to get upset or struggle "consciously", I just react in some deep ways that "just" come over me. I don't know how to "fix" that and the last thing I want to hear is some kind of "just" comment about it and I struggle to even articulate it. When I "do" try to articulate it, like you I have that long ago presence, that is current too though that insists on "invalidating" me. Yes, like you Teacake, I had that happen too, and it was "cruel" and "inconsiderate" just as was the case with "you".

OE