All of you here are just so wonderful and lovely so i hope i dont offend anyone here....please dont get mad at me
my dad is a major alcoholic...to the point where he delivers newspapers and around 6 am gets to the bar and WAITS for the bartender to open up "shop" , he leaves around 6 pm....he took me there one time when i went to visit him..the day i got there actually....and i know now why he drinks...its because of me.... when i got there they all said so..this is the famous daughter...and started spouting off my life story with my parents divorce and how evil my mother is..blah blah blah....so i had a soda (on the house since the bartender was having an affair with my father)and stared at it while his boozing buddies breathed down my neck probably to check me out cuz their all scum....i should have known since he always calls me screaming in my voicemail about how im this or that and what ive done to him...and i hate him for it....but i have to take responsibilty ....he doesnt harass my mom anymore...and all his wives had me to inform them before they married him...i keep talking to him even after all the damage he has done to me in the last 18 years...and i see all of you working so hard and trying to be such good people....and a part of me thinks...he is still in there somewhere..dont leave just yet....(also because i just cant get over the fact that he is not the father i wanted or needed and still give him chances to do so) but is there such a thing as tooo far gone? Spending 12 hours at the bar and then come home and crack one open again...youd think he would be dead by now....but he isnt...the most terrible thing in the world was at times..i wish he were dead...i wouldnt be responsible anymore..i wouldnt be trying to be a good daughter and call the police on him (not that they believed me..i mean i guess i dont blame them) trying to get our family to realize it ...trying to get his wives (on number 6) to leave him so he doesnt abuse them...and its like im setting myself up to be alone with him...becasue im his daughter and im responsible...my mother left..it wasnt her responsiblity becasue she wasnt related to him...she was a victim ..and neither were his other wives...but i am related to him..and i dont give him excuses i tell them he is a monster..i try to save everyone else...because i have dealt with him...i am is daughter..i am apart of him..and i cant help that...and as much as i hate him i have to stay present to keep everyone else safe....and hope that maybe someday...one day....his true human nature (not the bad part) will come out from the alocholic fog and see what really is going on...but i sorta dont think he will...i know (in my heart) he has a mental illness due to lack of attention or physical touch from his mother...and he used alcohol to cover up the voices and the bad thoughts...but he never realized that it may have stiffed his thinking and those voices but they just came out physically ....and he turned out to be everything anyone could ever fear....
sorry for my rant