Ok... going to give this a go and see what comes from it... quite a bit of catching up to do as of last Thursday.

Obviously earlier in the week I had had a bit of an emotional flood after the failed attempt and was still trying to come to terms with what I had done, the effect it had had on my wife as well as trying to get myself grounded again.

Not sure if I mentioned that on the Tuesday I got very confused (lack of sleep and floods of tears all over the place) with where mixed messages had come from and I exploded with verbal rage at one of the deputy matrons... convinced he had told my wife that were I to try to discharge myself I'd be sectioned (I later found this to be bs). Well, in retrospect and having better recall now I know it wasn't him but I was very close to discharging, had pissed him off royally in the process and yeah... we resolved things between us... but it was awkward.

Come Thursday and my ward round (where I see my psychiatrist) I found out he would be the nurse sitting in... well I went into anxiety mode and found the morning very unpleasant.

When the appointment came I went in with my wife and I tried to remain calm until such time as the nurse in question brought up a point that was in contradiction to the care plan agreed with my named nurse... my wife said that I handled it well but that we certainly butted heads leaving the doctors there just watching the show. When I left the room I very nearly smashed the wall to hell with my fist but my wife grabbed my arm.

Spoke to the nurse afterwards very calmly and explained what had been agreed with my nurse, he conceded the point and said he'd speak with her.

Been pretty mixed for a few days after that but for the most part I was managing and doing my best. Intrusive thoughts of course but was keeping self harm down quite well.

Was difficult on Saturday as my Mum and step dad came to do their weekly visit... I had not told them about what had happened the week before and told my wife to keep her mouth shut about it too. Figured it was much better she heard it from me face to face rather than panic her over the phone which would have done her no good. She immediately started worrying that it was them that had triggered the event (they had seen me on the same day) to which I assured her was not the case... had been a build up of many things and just led to a numbed dream like state I could not attribute to anything in particular. Found the visit pretty tiring... thankfully Justine was there and my step dad had brought his laptop and ipad to fix as he's clueless with regards to technology so I told them to talk amongst themselves, stuck my ear phones in... listened to music and got busy fixing the mess he'd got himself into while writing simple instructions for him to follow once he got home and had wifi access.

Was exhausted by the time they left and was wavering in my resilience, thankfully a nurse came to chat to me before I did anything daft (had done some si... but had an unescorted walk to use) and gave me some reassurance and some grounding.

Had a bad Sunday, mixed signals from one of the nurses who doesn't know me very well and I took a step backwards... punched the walls a few times and ended up doing some si to my lower arm, quite pissed and not giving a crap what others thought... was a bit of a trantrum I guess.

Next day (yesterday) woke up miserable and the suicidal thoughts were back... asked for an escorted walk as didn't feel safe, was berated about being independent and should use an unescorted instead.... so off I went on one of my jaunts thinking of just being worthless and wanting to die. Bought some tablets that I didn't use as I had presence of mind to speak to my wife who encouraged me to return to the hospital. She also called the hospital and one of the nurses called me to see how I was and where I was... was nearly back at the time. I hid the tablets as I knew they'd take them off me and walked back in. Had a chat with the nurse and was just low, ashamed and exhausted... slept most of the afternoon.

Come evening I had my first appointment with my T in 3 weeks... she'd been on holiday to Malta (god knows why... just a tiny rock in the middle of no where... sorry, used to live there :hashface: ) and it went really well, re-established grounding activities that I'd forgotten and well as some visual imagery to use when my sensory acuity was being overwhelmed.

Admitted to her (and my wife on the way to the session) about the tablets and she came out with me to speak as the 3 of us, saying how important it was that I recovered the tablets and handed them over to Justine before I went back in... wife told me off too about animals sniffing them out and eating them and such (she knows I hate the thought of animals suffering... I don't kill anything in the house like wasps, spiders etc) which in my muddled thinking hadn't considered.

Got back and handed them over.

Today has been okish... trying to move forward and the t session yesterday did help... did a occupational therepy group session (creative writing)... the first group I've attended in 4 weeks and I'm planning to speak to a careers adviser for those with mh issues tomorrow... setting myself small goals to try and achieve.