I tried to talk to my H last nite & all he says is "...I don't know what to say to that." So he lets it go & we stop talking.
My T has been the only brave one to come out & tell me that I needed to be away from him. That before I kill myself that I need to experience life on my own. In a way I hate her for saying that & in another way I admire her courage to say it knowing how controlling he is.

I'm 100% dependent on my H for everything. I have no job, no $$. I'm just a mom.
Last time we argued about a divorce he said that he'd take the kids bec I'm not well enough to have them. Ok so maybe he's right. That still doesn't get me out of the house or on my own. At the beginning of the summer I worked for 6 wks & the stress nearly killed me. I don't think I can handle a full time job. So I feel very stuck & have had these feelings for 20 yrs. I'm getting anxious to escape. I'm tired of waiting & hoping. Hoping that the next med might b the right combination. That tomorrow things will turn around. It's just not happening for me. If my own H, my own so called best friend doesn't seem to wanto help me or ignores me why do I bother fighting? He's been to T w/me & sounds very sincere when we're there, but changes when we leave that office.

I know right now I stay for my kids. If I try to make myself happy & leave then I ruin their 3 lives & I can't live w/that guilt that I did that to them. If I wasn't here there'd be room for someone else to take my place. Someone that's better at it, more interested in doing the job & won't scar them like I'm doing.
I feel like I'm just on borrowed time.

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