Thanks TravelingLady. Definitely grieving loss of old t and not sure how to get over it... It's playing a huge role in all this, but again, not sure how to convey it all to new T. There's SO much to talk about, but the time flies by and we don;t get to the stuff I need to focus on. The self-harm and safety talks take up a large chunk of our time together. I wish I knew how to get more out of them. I feel like I get lost and zone out for much of our time. It's having to start all over again from the beginning (I know old T had talked to the supervisor before I was assigned to new T, but that info didn't seem to get to new T). It's re-hashing a bunch of old stuff when I really need to focus on some of the here-and-now. I need to cover the old stuff as well, but I was going to save that for the old, old T I will be going back to in a few months (moving across country again at some point in the near future). I really wanted to focus this time with this new T on getting over losses, especially loss of the T immediately before her... How do I get the "defense mechanisms" (suicidal thinking, self-harm, constant crisis) tuned down enough to be able to focus on that stuff that really needs to be addressed? (I had figred out with old T that the cirses were all defense mechanisms that came up when I was too afraid to look at the stuff I really need to look at. When things get overwhelming, all the "bats" come flying out to distract from the stuff I should be paying attention to, because it's easier to be dealing with all the distractions of crises than it is with all the real pain underneath). I really miss having someone I trust, and that knows me (and I know them) to talk to at times like this. Then we could set aside all this other crap and force our way through the tough stuff... I'm too good at distractions and changing the topic when things get uncomfortably close to the real issues. I wish I could tell new T this, but I don't really know how. And I wish I had more time with someone to process all this crap... :/ I tried finding another T, but my options are so limited, there's no one with more time that is also affordable and still decent as a T... So I fall back to the usual cutting/suicidal thinking/crisis loop and avoid everything. I know all this stuff right now (because in this moment I am not stuck in it, but give me a few and I'll be back there again before the hour is up), but I can't ever translate it to usable/changable information when I'm in the middle of all that emotional garbage...