No, I guess I'm not a minor. Physically and legally, I'm 33 at this time.

If you talk about the compartmentalized facets of me I'm dealing with in therapy like: "the 5-year-old", "the 8-year-old", "the 16-year-old", "the angry/protective 16-year-old", "the 2-year-old" (i've "seen" the 2-year-old shivering alone in an empty kiddie pool in therapy), "the 10-year-old female who doesn't talk" (I'm male) -- then I guess I might be a minor.

I've very much locked at 16-year-old mentally though. That age is where the trauma came to it highest level and I've been at that heightened level since then, locked in the loop of the time. Truly, emotionally it feels like no real time has passed. It is hard to describe other than that. Literally, like it all could have happened yesterday and I'm still looping in my head, trying to come down.

I think I mention my awareness of my increased complacent nature, because I'm logically aware it isn't a good place. Just today I was walking outside of my apartment and thinking: "I need to find a way to move to the most secluded place so I won't be a bother to anyone or anything and that I won't be hurt." A part of me literally thinks I need to find a way to cut myself off from the world, really research it and invest in making it happen.

Part of me knows that is sad. But 90% of me has just grown up consciously taking in what has been around me (the words and the actions) which have just congealed to make my self-view what it is today. And I think I want to put emphasis on the word "consciously" . . . every time something happened from early on (from age 5 on) I fell and continue to fall into deep introspection and try to figure out everything about why it happened. True, my conclusions through the years may have been incomplete and/or erroneous...but I never had good guidance.

(just one example: my older sister sexually abused me when I was 8 and when the parents found out, they were very very emotionally distant from me, stand-offish, and basically got upset and said that brothers and sisters don't do that. and in their anger, it felt like it was all my fault. and they never did talk to me about it ever. So i was always left with the sting of it being all my fault and that i was the one who hurt my sister. and that perception burrowed into me and merged with my deepest being. so this, on top of many other life events that i saw, caused me to look into myself and wonder about my worth, have served to make my self-loathing as necessary as breathing, as just a natural way life is.)

Being so fractured in my thinking, I can be wanting to give up and walk from everything in the morning...and then be so energetic and wanting to move mountains at night.

Same thing goes for my therapy. Complacent one moment to wanting to save myself the next.

...........i'm so tired