Ok, going to open this up to opinion as it's confusing the crap out of me to be honest. My T neither condemns nor condones me self harming (the cutting) whereas the wife is not happy and the hospital are hard on my case about it.

Got very upset tonight while speaking to my named nurse (my direct contact and one that deals with my file) who expressed disappointment with the self harm and that obviously things aren't working... gave me a bit of a lecture during our chat and though she apparently thought we'd left it on a positive note... I was confused, angry and very worked up. She had re-iterated that when I'm angry at another (at hospital, not sure how pro-active it would be outside), I should write it down and hand it to my contact nurse on that shift who happened to be her.

Well I did just that... had been a horrendous day anyway (not sure if I want to elaborate at this time) and I had hoped for some reassurance rather than being told off and reinforcing the negatives that have been rather than trying to move forward.

Handed it to her and walked away. She came and found me 5 minutes later, sat on my bed (was on my chair) and said that this was exactly what she wanted me to do (had put in the letter towards the end that it would be times like this I'd be cutting, wanting to scream or just give up) and I burst into tears.

I hate being angry at others... probably why I self direct it, but while I cried I explained that it had been a horrid day, that I'd just wanted some reassurance and that I was worried about my appointment with the p-doc tomorrow... that everyone seems to harp on about the negatives and any positives are just taken as given or ignored... that it was really getting to me and I was finding it hard to cope.

She said that she'd add to my notes about my concerns with tomorrow and to ask the p-doc to acknowledge steps forward and that I and her would have a much longer chat tomorrow night.

She was however very pleased I'd written the letter rather than cut or did anything else impulsive.

She left... I cried for a little while till I could finally get myself together and then played a computer game to try and distract myself.

I really need to address the whole cutting issue though... it is a mixed message that I'm getting from my T and the hospital (obviously my T is working on longer term issues at the moment and seeing the si as a coping mechanism... that she just wants me to be careful with it).

With that said, wife was looking at my lower arms which have mostly healed up and was saying that they were going to scar, that I'd been tearing rather than cutting due to restricted resources and she's going to try and get some cream that helps with stretch marks or some such which might do the job.... woman stuff confuses me.

Saw what I'd done to my upper arm (very concealed) and was not happy.