"I don't know if I can pull out of this"

Yes, you can Teacake, you need to be patient and I know it socks and can be horrible, as I said I was a little older than you when I went through "hell" with it and genuinely felt I was not going to make it too. I could not afford to get help for it either and by the grace of god my husband met someone in the field that gave him the name of the therapist I have now and when he saw how bad I was he was willing to work with me at a rate I could afford, I go without so I can see him and I do get behind even with the lower rate.

As I read what you have been writing I can see how a lot of things about your life right now is triggering all of what you suppressed to come forward. Also, what I see is that you don't have "anyone" that can fill that need you have to listen, understand, see you, and help you through it and that has made it worse, that happened to me too. What is different for you though is that you have a lot of knowledge about PTSD and other disorders and you do know many things that a young and inexperienced professional might not have the capacity to give you what you need, may even be put off or feel threatened as you "can" get quite angry send off some whoppers. And that's the thing about this flare up you are experiencing right now, some nasty stuff can come out, almost like the devil coming out with a vengeance, however, that will pass but can get bad at times. What got me about that was how it just came out of me without my deciding to react the way I did. All I could do is think about whatever came out "after" it came out, the total reverse of deciding to get angry. You know so much now that being treated as you had years ago where others didn't know how to help you then, just makes you very angry and resentful now. You have not really found a "safe" place either when these episodes get bad. You get really "raw" at times, your episodes are tough ones, not like the past. You have been having some cognitive distortions and you are not going to see that right now, you are too raw.

Just remember the "wave" and that it comes in, crests and then recedes and you just have to let them come in and recede and then think about it "after" and that means "after" you are out of the cloud that comes after. Try to stay away from your mother, she is just going to trigger you as she "never got it" and that will be even worse now, she has not changed and is probably even worse now in many respects.

You are articulating better though so if it helps you to come here and vent, do so as you need to vent somehow, at least somewhere that others can support you.

Was this park adventure with a friend something in the now, or was it something from the past?

There were many times where I would have to talk about how horrible people can be and wonder "who are we" as you have uttered. I was lucky to have my therapist be able to validate that "yes, people can be horrible and violent and do terrible things". I think I just needed to know others saw how bad it was too. I found there is a lot of "I can't believe how bad this is" as things come forward and a lot of realizations take place.

It is important that you remind yourself of the positives you have done and you did utilize your abilities when you raised your son. He isn't going to see that, he isn't going to understand "you" the way you want, and that can be triggering, but remember, you gave him what you did not have so he genuinely doesn't know what life is like "without" like you do. It is bittersweet, but you did make a positive, you did accomplish so remember that. My daughter was around the same age as your son, she didn't get my pain either, as I made sure she had what she needed and went above and beyond. I pushed her away just as I was really sinking into the worst part of PTSD, a hell I never knew existed.
I am glad she didn't see some of the really bad things I went through, it was bad enough I was hurt, didn't want her hurt by it too.

Don't feed into the "I wish I didn't exist", that is a wave too, it passes, I was lucky to come across someone who explained that to me, I almost was not here.

Just keep talking, you are doing better with that, it helps. Yes, it can be obsessive at times, but just keep talking and take time outs to meditate and self sooth. The antidepressant will help preserve the hypocampus cells, but it will not take away the emotional challenges and the need to talk and work through it. How is your sleep?

(((Hugs)))
OE