DiningonDisability, it's not too late for you to get out of there. You don't have to stay with someone who enjoys hurting and humiliating you. If you're on disability, you can get low-cost to no-cost (to you) therapy that can help you break free.

Now ... ahem ... I find myself embarrassed. Terraminator and others who find yourselves attracted to dangerous types, maybe sadistic, narcissistic, sociopathic types who could do you lasting damage .... this is not something I would recommend for others to try, but maybe it would be a good thing for you to look into the bondage and discipline or master/slave communities.

Not just hooking up with random individuals who might be way more than you bargained for, but hooking into actual community groups that offer social activities and dating possibilities with like-minded people who are willing to learn about and practice respect within sexual practices revolving around bondage and ... well, I'm not a member of this community myself, but I have friends who are. I don't know exactly what's practiced in master and slave relationships, but so far no one I know has had anything Terrible (with a capitol T) happen, although according to my values some of it sounds fairly terrible (with a little t.)

I mean, it's stuff I would personally find humiliating and degrading and I wouldn't do it. But isn't that sort of the point of what you're looking for? Without the danger of ending up beaten to a pulp and dumped in an alley. Well, one woman I know wanted to be dumped in an alley with her clothes ripped and her hands bound with winos coming to look her over. It happened, but nothing Terrible happened because part of the agreement was for her Master to keep watch to make sure she didn't get raped or murdered, just pawed a little bit.

There are other posters here at PsychCentral who have written things that indicate they know how these communities operate. Maybe they will post and correct anything I've gotten wrong.

From what people have told me, it seems possible to engage in these unconventional sexual practices without the emotional side feeling terrible and soul-destroying and wretched. Within every community there will be people who go from mild to wild. It could afford some choice, more choice than hoping to find some masochistic psychopath roaming the streets who'll decide to stop before he utterly destroys you.