Omg Amandaloise that is the best description of EMDR! And seriously, I have searched, I have watched youtube videos, read up on Francine Shapiro, I probably psyched myself out worse than anything, scared of failure, letting T down (she was seemingly abrupt at first I was unsure, but now after three visits with her I quite like her I think- part of me anyways). I dissociate really bad, I know that now. I am going on 31 and never ever knew it was even a thing. I was never blind or ignorant to the fact I may need some sort of help (huge back story) but I thought I was just depressed sometimes and for whatever reason I couldn't snap myself out of the really bad days. Just too stubborn to give up I guess, too responsible for everyone... Anyways.

Growing up I didn't realize the excessive daydreaming, the isolation, not making eye contact with anyone anymore, retreating into myself... I didn't know it was a thing. When I hit my 20's I started trying to force eye contact and conversation with people again... But it was always looming. T discourages alternate realities... I told her I feel like I need to go and say good bye... I guess I don't know how to stop. She tries to teach me the grounding techniques but it all seems so foolish to me, again- parts of me. She saw me roll my eyes which I didn't mean to do.

I do avoid talking about my past. The only times I went back was while drinking with one close friend. But even that was starting to get out of hand reminding me of 'episodes' I use to have when my husband and I would date... I had so much anger and didn't know how to release. I would bang my head of the walls, the floor, hit myself... Basically go a little crazy. I am n stranger to self harm, I actually called it (and still hold true) that it is my favourite release. I haven't in over 3 months, haven't drank since June 22, no drugs now for 4 years, I was arrested for shoplifting (something again, did my whole life, but was getting out of hand, luckily it wasn't my usual haul and it was a minor offence, got me into a program that basically saved my life, I was spiralling and didn't even notice). Anyways, ****, I forget where I was going with all of this.

I don't get how therapy works. I asked T then what happens next. She said 'this, until you get to know me and trust me'. So... I just talk about... Stuff? Like everyday stuff or past stuff? I mis understood what she first told me with feeling my feelings, I thought she meant go back and feel, so I made a timeline of my life which brought back forgotten memories... Why I am scared to shower, to sleep... Anyways. Apparently, that is not what she meant by feel. Still trying to grasp that but it's hard until she pointed it out to me how I 'was not feeling'... I'm not sure how to do it on my own. I do feel tho, I get very mad, I get sad about things (I work in animal rescue so that explains both those emotions)... I don't understand how one minute I can feel great and the next I wish life would just stop... It's frustrating.

What about all my other things that happened in my life (besides the big event haha- trying to make light of it...). Anyways, are we going to aeMDR that **** too? I realize the route cause was from childhood, but there are other things that seem to effect me.

I don't know. Sorry, now my comment got out of hand.

Oh, back to the original post- it's not DID if you don't have different people right. You have to meet that criteria first right? Like different parts, but mostly conscience and aware, is that just a sub type of dissociation? Now that I have learned more about what's wrong with me... I am kinda obsessed. I can't sleep well anymore (with a higher dose than normal of seroquel which is amazing to me cuz I remember when in use to take my full does it would knock me the f$@k out).

Okay, done now.