I posted on here before and then never really came back to it until now. I got a few positive welcomes from this community and was referred to several different forums on this site.

I want to start off with this thread here because I was in a terrible place around 6 weeks ago, with my depression. I've been coping with severe depression and anxiety for just over 8 years now and my biggest trigger is isolation. I'd spent most of 3 years coping at university but in the final weeks of the last term I started to struggle again. I'd already had a lapse 6 months prior where my first considerable episode of mania manifested itself, and this time I'd reached lowest point at the other end of the spectrum. I spent the week following my 22nd birthday self-harming, 2-3 times on the worst days, starting on my birthday itself. All my housemates at the time had finished uni and already miss out and I'd decided I could cope with staying a while longer to finish up coursework. Obviously, how wrong had I been, especially when I run out on my medication. I'm so grateful that I've found a friend that I could turn to at the worst of times and it took so much courage to open up to the fact that I my suicide all planned out once again. I messaged every last detail of it which in some small way helped.. and she offered all her support as she always has. She reminded me that I could always turn to the counselling g support group available at the uni, and that's what I did right away, I booked an appointment. The following Monday I went in to the student services and I filled out self-assessment form for how I'd been feeling that week. When the counsellor sat down with me she straight away pointed out that I'd scored worryingly high for at risk on the assessment sheet, the highest she said she'd seen for a long time. It didn't sink in at that point as she insisted that I needed to be admitted to A&E right away, I kept refusing and she kept insisting that if I didn't go myself that she'd take me herself if she must. It wasn't until she called in support from a colleague to help convince that I started to feel overwhelmed by it all and in the end they arranged a taxi to take me. I spent 3 hours in A&E, once I'd been seen in order to register with the hospital the second Time I was seen was for them to initially assess why I was there. My friend turned up after those first couple of hours for support and we spent another hour or waiting for the crisis support team to show up, but they never did. So after 4-5 hours waiting to be seen I finally left without getting any support at all. 2 hours later and eventually I was called up on by the crisis team who offered to see me the following evening. I had no idea what to expect before going and once again my friend came along for support, it turned out to be for admitting me to the in-patient treatment ward of the hospital for people coping with extreme temporary lapses in their mental health and that quickly became daunting. I sat in with the gentleman who I'd spoken on the phone to the previous day and I immediately made it clear that I would no longer be sticking around in Lincoln and would be moving straight back home to London as soon as I could. He accepted my wishes and suggested he could still help by going over a full assessment form with me that he could forward on to my GP back home and so I began to talk. Confessing to more things than I'd ever done before, in presence of my friend sitting in with me who never knew half the things I'd confessed, especially with previous attempts at my own life.

I've been home ever since, still catching up on work, for the past month now. I'm back on my meds but I feel they aren't enough. I miss my friend, I've never been able to open up to anyone, even my family, as much I have with her..
I'm really trying to fight of the temptation to start harming myself again, but it's an addiction that's so easy to fall back on.

I've said an awful lot, but writing these things down have always been of a little help to me.

zer0_0ut