I think i have found an answer.... not think about it. for now. not acknowledge it.
Pnurse has made it clear that even though she puts her self out there as a therapist, she shouldn't and really doesn't have time for all the things she says she will do. I cancelled my apnt with her next week. I am in a place where it no longer matters. I have to accept her limitations, even while she cannot. I must treat her as ONLY my prescriber and not a therapst or someone to lean on in troubled times. Not some one to call if I think I will be unsafe.
Really, same goes for my new T, as I learned today. I didn't bother following up with any of my providers after my 2.5 hours in the Psych ER - I knew one of them would be sent a memo that I'd been there. my medical doc got the notice and informed T.
Today T thought I'd missed my apnt and called me an hour early to see why I wasn't there - she was worried. Then when I was there she said 'I'm sorry I accused you of a no-show" which is quite different than 'worry', but T is not consistent. We bantered back and forth, her not letting me finish any sentences and constantly changing the topics. -which I'm like 'whatever' at this point - Then at the end she said "What a good session; just chit chatting and picking each other's brains. This works for me." Huh. ok so you're not a trauma therapist, or just so close to retiring that you don't give a s***. Which is fine. I don't give one either at this point (and I'm really not being cynical - I just really don't). She can't be what I need and trying to make her be what I need isn't going to work. Harming isn't going to make her care more for me or try to help me more or see the pain more. And I am not willing to put myself out there for someone who can't remember who i am from session to session... and I'm ... i dunno -just done? - and really don't want to do therapy anyway, but my Doc won't let me drop. Soooooooo.... I guess that's that.
I can report that there has been no injury in a week Maybe I am in a new space of 'acceptance' now.
Thanks everyone so much for all the replies, it really helped!!!