I'm not sure what my view on this is as I've had an "easy" ride of things in terms of mania (but DEFINITELY not with depression - I was almost given ECT) because, until a few days ago, I have only had compulsions that have burned themselves out quickly and led only to embarassment -- either keeping stupid purchases hidden, or having to explain fantastical business plans and goals to bewildered friends and family after I come out of the mania / psychosis.

But lately I've become more and more stuck in this self-centric belief system that has asserted itself in which I have BELIEVED with 100% CERTAINTY that I had some special knowledge or insight that I HAD to share with people. This has happened three times now in the last month and defied all insight and a rational sense of social norms and conventions when it has occurred.

I can directly relate it to a significant spike in stress, and I even saw some of the warning signs after my first episode to tell a trusted friend but they dismissed it as an anomaly as it was largely harmless. The second two were not. The last was particularly bad as it involved me sending a long and angry rant to my partner's mother over her relationship with a prisoner and allowing her daughter to form an emotional bond with him. I CC'd my partner the email because I 100% believed I was doing the right thing by warning of the dangers when nobody else was.

My partner read the email, recognised that it was written in a manic / psychotic state and made sure her mum deleted it without reading it. But she is extremely angry at me for not seeing the warning signs, although I have NEVER done anything hurtful while manic before in the two years I've had bipolar for certain.

This was a huge shock to me as I never imagined I would do something like that and have such a lack of insight, especially as I'm sure a careful writer and normally constantly re-read my emails before I send them. I didn't re-read that one. Not for a second. And I had no thoughts for how it would be received or the consequences.

Now I am feeling like a terrible person because I took my mania so lightly and didn't work hard on recording episodes, noting down the warning signs and building up knowledge so that something like this wouldn't happen. I've had so many weeks when I've felt no compulsions at all and been convinced that I don't have bipolar, never have had it, and if I just concentrate hard the symptoms will disappear forever.

Then I do something incredibly stupid and it hits home like I've been stabbed in the stomach with a sharp knife...