I know how you feel op I had the same feelings for years and it is really terrible to go through I got lucky back in April when we found the right medication to use. The only thing is I have to go back in and get then adjusted because I have been having episodes of mania again. I would suggest giving therapy a try it might help you out. I would also talk to your pdoc about trying out some new meds and if they are not willing to try out new meds then try another pdoc. Welcome here and good luck.