Still over thinking things. lol

It's funny how so many things came together to finally give me the strength to walk away. The jealousy and the distrust but also a sudden feeling of being smothered.

We hadn't spoken in some time before I sent my first goodbye message and during that time I had found freedom. I had found the time to do things I enjoyed. Then when he came back in full force it was horrible. Suddenly I was once more spending every free minute with him, doing what he wanted. It was too fast this time.

No matter how many times I said I felt he was too full on, too fake he insisted this was the real him and I had to get used to it. (We hadn't spoken in months previously until he wanted something.) He ignored all the warning signs.

And this is where I get confused. He had shown exceptional skill and patience in suckering me in the first time. He lacked all finesse the second time.

He even tried to tell me that the whole reason he broke up with me was because it hurt him too much that he couldn't be with me to comfort me like he wanted to. This is a man who previously had made no attempt to comfort me. Had gone out of his way to shut me down and tell me to suck it up when I was upset now I was supposed to accept that he was hurt because he couldn't hug me?

Why did he think I would believe such a blatant lie? Especially when many of our arguments had been over his not attending to me emotionally.

Was it some last ditch attempt to keep his supply? Simply seeing how far he could push? Did he simply think I was that stupid?

Our last argument was a total mess. He was gaslighting me in plain view. I mean I could have just scrolled up a little to quote the thing he was currently denying.

Why would he 'lose' it so quickly? Had he just given up trying? What purpose did making even that pathetic attempt at persuasion serve? Just a token attempt to keep what was usually a fairly reliable supply?

Was he always this obvious and I was just finally aware?

I know he had at times blatantly admitted to screwing with me but when actually manipulating me he was generally much smarter about it. And he is a smart man (except for that time I accused him of being deliberately obtuse and he got mad at me for calling him fat. ) if he wanted to be manipulative he had the smarts to hide it better.

Gah, I can't tell which parts were him being mean or me being pathetic.