Sometimes I feel connected when he seems to understand what I'm saying. He offers an analogy or something and I see that he really does understand what I'm saying. Or sometimes I feel connected when he mirrors my emotional state (my sense of excitement or enthusiasm) or compliments it (when he is reassuring).

*I agree...

But mostly... I guess I prevent / interrupt that feeling of connection because I'm afraid. I'm afraid to look at him. Mostly because I'm afraid he won't be able to conceal disgust / aversion. I feel annoyed when he attempts to communicate understanding because I feel like he is interrupting me. I feel annoyed when he attempts to soothe me for the same reason. I guess it is about my being afraid that if I feel safe and secure in his presence then he will do something (a look of disapproval or revulsion) and I will just die. I'll shatter into a million pieces or something. I'm afraid that I'll be needy and dependent and that will revolt him. I guard against connection so I am better able to control myself. To present as calm and competent and in control. So he isn't repulsed by the confusion of emotional intensities inside me...

*I think that you would be an interesting client. I can feel your T reaching out to you. You have strong trust issues (as do I) ...and that takes time. You compared ...somewhere... a connection with him to be similar to that with your father. Are these feelings that you have described similar to what you remember with your father? I really do understand (to the degree that I can relate) your feelings of wishing to share but yet afraid to share and wish to be accepted but afraid of putting yourself out there. It is like a shaddow boxing match of sorts.... How would it feel if he caught you and emotionally hugged you? Yikes vs awwwww. I think and hope in time that that will happen for you. It is quite a process though. I recall looking at the rug alot in my first therapy and now at the wall with this one.. but sometimes would hide from the response afraid to know how he (either) reacted but yet later wish I had been looking at this face. I think that as I progress it becomes easier (oh kay...somewhat) to look at the T face to face. It is also o.k. to be safe ....however we need to be.

> How much time do you spend thinking of the session you have had after you leave the session?

Quite a while. Because I've had such a lack of sleep it really hits me afterwards. I've taken to (blush) going back home to try and catch up on a few hours so I'm up and at 'em for Friday afternoon / evening social activities. So I go home and go to bed... But of course I ruminate on the session and don't really get much sleep. But sometimes I'm completely exhausted and I'm out like a light. I think of him every day (how embarrassing is that).

*Embarrassing perhaps but I think with productive therapy this is not all a bad thing Alexandra... really. You are working things through. This is good.

He has no idea... And... Well... I can't see my telling him anytime soon. Maybe he will abandon me 'cause I'm too sick for therapy... Or maybe he will abandon me 'cause I'm too well for therapy... I just feel traumatised right now. There isn't anything he can do... I don't know what to say.

*You are doing fine Alexandra... really you are. He can just be.... there for you and with you... and that is fine...for now til you both find your way.

Peace.