Ok, had a walk and chat with the deputy matron today (have butted heads with him in the past but he's complimented me many times on being able to stand my corner and despite some differences in opinion, I've come to respect him).

As such I'm more comfortable to talk about something that really upset me yesterday that led to excessive self harm and a lot of confusion.

Over my time being on the ward I've come to like certain members of staff and have been able to have a good laugh and chat with them... pretty much to the point that if I knew them outside of hospital I'd be happy to develop a friendship.

One in particular had become pretty close and the banter between us was quite funny and quick witted (put into context that I keep to myself for the most part, I come out of my bed area a couple of times a day for a max of 15-20 mins before I start getting tired unless I'm going for food or walks).

This person is a support worker rather than a nurse so unsure what their training is in the grand scheme of things... but they would let things slip on a personal level or would tease slightly below the belt... even on one occasion they pinged one of my elastic bands on my wrist so hard it left a red mark (I'm put here strongly that none of the above bothered me, I'm neither a tattle tail nor do I feel pain all that much, so it amused me more than anything).

On Saturday my mum, stepdad and wife came to visit and for whatever reason (wife has a big heart but doesn't always think before she speaks) introduced this support worker to my parents and said that is was almost as if we were siblings with the support worker being the older of the two... she also noticed the red mark on my hand and pointed it out to the support worker who blushed. I cringed inwardly, knowing full well the implication both remarks would have on a professional level - distance between patient and staff, favouritism etc.

The support worker was fine with me and normal both Saturday and sunday but then I noted that they started to become quite aloof and cold. As I am very selective with who I speak to and it takes me a long time to build up a rapport with someone it did hurt a little but I let it ride... by Wednesday however I'd had enough... was feeling very alone, so I bit the bullet and approached them about it. They said in a very stern way that staff can not be friends with patients, that there are however many patients on the ward and that I should spread out who I talk to. I felt myself go cold inside (defence mechanism), wall went up and said that that was fine and I was glad I knew where I stood.

Went into my bed area and cut the **** out of my upper arm... was so angry and upset. I am not a clingy person, hell I barely talk to anyone as it is and to have what had been one of the few connections I'd made blow up in my face was humiliating.

The support worker was obviously still uncomfortable and took it to their manager which got pushed up to the matron and deputy matron (guy I mentioned at beginning) and I got called into the office. Explained why I was there and I stopped them, said I understood perfectly, explained my reasoning, perspective on the situation (did not mention any unprofessionalism) and that if anything I was just feeling hurt and frustrated but that was life... explained my difficulties with building up rapports and that if anything I'd just keep to myself.

Deputy warden took me for a half our walk afterwards to cool off and just have a general chat, said that I'd handled the meeting incredibly well and that he firmly believed there had just been some misunderstanding and as such to keep my distance from that member of staff... but to perhaps have a quiet word when we got back to acknowledge I'd been spoken to and that there were no hard feelings.

Well I did so... and weirdly enough, the staff member immediately started bantering with me again as if nothing had happened... confused the hell out of me but I let it ride and just concluded they were weird.

Unbeknownst to either of us this was observed by the deputy warden... so while we walked today I just threw into the conversation that I was a little confused and he then drew me into a conversation about it. That he had since spoken to that member of staff about sending off mixed signals and how in my particular case was very triggering and unprofessional... that they were to keep things on a neutral basis from here on out. I was glad he told me this and said as such, making the comment that had he not told me, if on the next shift they were cold and aloof I would be confused to crap all over again to which he agreed.

In conclusion, I know people are complicated... but finding mixed signals and comments left unsaid very hard to handle right now and I think this has been quite eye opening for both me and certain members of staff.