Is not being a doormat evidence of having a "poisoned mind"?
What sacrifices has your H made to demonstrate to YOU how much he really cares?
Do you read personal stuff that H has written?
IMHO complaining that you get "attitude" from someone sounds like the expectation is that they will just acquiesce/comply and that you're entitled to feel resentful when they don't.

It sounds like your H is feeling insecure and instead of coming to you and saying "I feel uncertain of my place in your life and I wish you and I were as emotionally connected as you seem to be with pdoc" he is controlling and belittling. He needs to work on that and you don't have to defer to his unreasonable requests.

I think you show someone that you really care by investing in your relationship with them, not by neglecting your mental health. Can you both find ways to have more emotional intimacy between you? How much have you explored the barriers to a good sex life with H? Have you seen a sex therapist or a physician who specialiazes in sexual medicine? Have you done some reading about it? Is all sex painful or just PIV? I'm not sure I understand why your T or pdoc would feel that this wasn't worth pursuing further. Is your current agreement that you are both celibate?

I think having sex of whatever kind can go a long way in helping you feel connected and bonded enough that you have greater resilience as a couple in the face of normal tension, stress and disagreement. It would be high on my list of things to address.

If that seems totally unpalatable, another option could be to look at creative solutions for a companionate marriage in which you have separate lives, including perhaps romance with others, but prioritize each other in household and parenting matters.