Hi IDM, first of all A BIG WELL DONE on that time away from cutting!!!
But then keeping your blades on you doesn't sound twisted at all in relation to having that security blanket. Makes perfect sense!!!
You've clearly been using some other coping mechanisms, but using them and having real/true faith/confidence in them can be two completely different things. So good to feel you have the comfort of knowing the thing that's been there for you is not that far away IF you need it??
So if it works for you, if it gives you that "peace of mind" in a way, to get through.......to cut less/to think about stopping, then it could be seen as kind of positive for you while you're getting to really master/have confidence in other coping methods.
Then there's the other side isn't there?? Sometimes urges can come on so quickly, so intensely and almost before you've really tried to reason with them............well if your blades are close by.........but perhaps if they weren't then you might be able to ride the urges out???
But I'd say that you really need to do what's right for YOU!!
Perhaps gradually distance yourself from them????
And as for the "time to stop"...........for some people there can be a moment or moments or convictions when they can mark that time, and maybe that will come for you. But if it doesn't I don't know that it matters too much. Because telling yourself you're "Never" going to go back there..........when it's had/it has such a big place in your life sounds REALLY (!!) tough to me. So perhaps what might be easier is trying to tell yourself you're not going to do it........when you're having the next/and the next or the next urge.......or you're not going to do it........today/tomorrow/this week/for as long as you can, and back that up with throwing all the coping strategies that might help at it when you feel the need. Even have a backup plan in place for if.............
And hey, if you're getting into deep-seeded self hatred you want to be getting back here!!!
Because you know I think you're AWESOME!!! So want some convincing of what's good about you...........I'm up for the job!!!

And to finish...........AGAIN WELL DONE on holding off on the cutting for so long!!!



Alison