I want to jump in here and say that when I went through the terrible, horrible anger I couldn't seem to get out of myself, I eventually went to a huge, empty parking lot for nearly a month, and screamed and cried -- you know the kind where everything pours out of every orifice above your neck? -- and hit the car seats as hard as I could, and just went weird and landed in a place where I was VERY glad I was alone! (I didn't do this just once -- I did it every day for several weeks; until I just felt too weak to express that kind of anger any more. So it wasn't a quick process, by any means! But it's worth it -- read on...) But my therapist suggested this -- he said what he did was go into his back yard and chop as much wood as he could stand to -- anyway, it was because I could NOT express anger to my therapist. And after years of trying, he finally suggested the big empty parking lot (I looked for many places before I finally found someplace where I felt I wouldn't be seen or bothered - and it ended up to be a church parking lot that was very, very big. I had tried the woods but couldn't find anyplace private enough.) Anyway, I screamed & ranted & raved so much I lost my voice completely for a couple of weeks! But that was the thing that seemed to loosen things up for me, that kind of violence that really doesn't hurt anyone or anything but FEELS as if it's hurting those who have hurt you so very much -- and from that time on -- after a month or two - I had "regular" anger when I needed it (I mean 'normal' people anger), but the boiling cauldron of hatred and seething fury I felt was just -- no longer there at the level where it scared me.

Does this help anyone?? I just wrote a message to Werewoman, so this was on my mind -- I was going to leave the forum because I have stuff to do, but when I read all this from all of you, I thought it would be good to share what helped me.

For me, only the violence (when alone & not hurting anyone, not even me) would work. Sewing my abuser's mouth(s) shut would have done some for me, but not nearly enough. Now I felt completely silly at first, doing the shouting & screaming and hitting the car seats, etc., but after a while it became -- necessary -- for me. And that was when all the heat, the fury, began to feel "safe" enough to -- what? escape? It felt as if it was pouring out of my ears & nose & mouth...everywhere. And after awhile....it felt very good. Peaceful. It worked for me, at least made me feel more 'normal,' as we say, "whatever normal is..." But I'd love to know if it help anyone if you're able to do this.

You, whether you know it or not, are WORTH it! You're getting rid of anger against yourself as well as others, anger you do NOT deserve! So go for it -- no matter what, you deserve your own love -- and that of others. Much love from Juleeo