Just because I don't want to start another dead end thread I'll continue here. I'm frustrated. I want to be better, but then I think of my grandma who I'm fairly certain had bipolar based on her actions (she's never been treated that I know of) who is in her 60's-70's and what she's like. I don't want to be like her. She denies anything is wrong, she throws her job up in everyone's face (she retired as a nurse from the state of Indiana), she doesn't take any medicine how it's prescribed, she abuses alcohol, and had some serious splurge problems (money, men, trips). I don't want that. I know there is something not quite center with me, reason why I'm trying to get help. I control how much I drink if I drink because I've been witness to too many drunk drives and assaults.
But then here I am talking about not wanting to continue treatment because of some scheduling issues. That would make me like her. Or not taking my meds because I feel fantastic so I must not need them.
Then there's the thought that occasionally consumes me. The thought that I could do something to change this world. It varies every time, but omg aren't they wonderful ideas? Today's to become a politician. A "clean" politician no corporate money as back up and take the politics back to the way they were meant to be. Or what about changing the way the government does assistance. I'm a firm believer that every single person can do something.
I've got to stand for something (or you'll fall for anything). My body is winning the struggle to sleep, I'm going to have to nap. Hopefully it'll keep me from full on migraine.
And religion. I was raised Baptist. Not my cup of tea. Explored several other branches of Christianity, but I've found something that calls to me on all levels which I feel what I needed. Religion has been one of manic obsessions. Now I've started referring to myself as a spiritualist. I believe in nature and magic.
I need to ground...