I have been having alot of physical pain lately, in addition to my back. For the last month, it has been chest pain and severe swelling in the lower extremities. Been to the ER about 4 times now with no real luck.

I saw my primary doc and he is worried - saw the swelling, which begins the minute I get up. As you can guess, by the time I get done doing my extreme work hours, I can hardly move. My knees and ankles swell up to 3 times their normal size.

Anyway, he also put me on water pills, 60 mg., and it has at least made it so that I can work. I have also been talking to a new pdoc.......not sure whether I like him or not. He doesn't "know" me, you understand? [sigh] Anxiety has been kicking into overdrive as well.

My primary doc ordered a complete battery of bloodwork done, which I found out today came back okay - all normal. EKGs, scans, etc. were all done - all fine.

I had an ultrasound done on my heart yesterday, results to be known next Wednesday at my primary doc's appt. If that turns out normal as well, then the next step I was told, was an internal exam - might be a mass in my pelvic area that is causing the swelling, etc.

Throw in my 67 hour work week this week, 43 only last week........stress with HIM because we don't have milk, etc. etc. and he's out of cigs.........plus lack of sleep. One day I worked two 17 hour days with only 5 hours of sleep.......

My new pdoc is also very worried. I called him this morning very early, in a highly agitated state of mind, and left him a message. When he called back and heard, he said that for normal people working that many hours is too much, but for someone with my physical and emotional issues, it is highly dangerous for me.

No one seems to understand that I HAVE to do this - bills don't get paid by themselves and now my beloved h has opened a checking account - thankfully just in his name. He has already overdrawn it.........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I know what a toll this is taking on me, physically and mentally. I am scared that I can't keep myself under control much longer. I am tired, physically and mentally, and simply don't have the strength to keep it up. I want to just give up and let whatever happens, happen.

My primary doc said that whatever is physically wrong with me, is physical, not mental - that was a relief. I'm just worried that if something is wrong, will I actually let it be fixed? Will I care enough to do it, or will I decide this is the easy way to die?

Thoughts race through my mind constantly, I'm spending money recklessly (thanks, bipolar) and through it all I breathe in and out in pain, limb at work from my leg which is permanently damaged, take my meds, and work anywhere from 12 to 17 hours a day.........then sleep about 2 1/2 and start all over again.

My new pdoc asked me what I would do if it got too overwhelming and I couldn't control myself anymore. My response was: 1) walk out of my job, get in car and simply drive till I can't anymore, or 2) take an overdose because I'm too tired to deal with things.

Yes, it is all up to me - things always are. I have to fix everything for everyone in my life. I just wish that once someone had an idea where I could make enough money, work a comfortable amount of hours, and spend time with my son.

Most everyone here knows my work ethics and my high standards of myself. You all also know about HIM and what a mooch he is, and what a destructive force he is in my life (again, a choice only I can change, I know).

The other alternative is that all the tests will come back normal and it really is all inside my head......if that is the case, what then??? How could I produce such extreme chest pain plus all the swelling? I'm not that talented.

I know everyone is here for me and that you care. I'm scared - really, honestly scared of where I am emotionally. It's almost at the end of a very frayed rope, not much left. As I told my new pdoc, I am tired of arguing and fighting with myself - the effort it takes constantly is draining me in every way.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard