Still over thinking things. lol

Nah...it's what we do...it helps with objectivity this post-mortum we do on the relationship. And after being with an NPD, it is necessary in the effort to move on. Try not to dwell on a thing if you've figured it out, just accept and go forward--that will keep you from ruminating.

Then when he came back in full force it was horrible.
No matter how many times I said I felt he was too full on, too fake he insisted this was the real him and I had to get used to it.
My ex, also had this 'thing' he would do. Sam V. acknowledged it and put a sense to it, I couldn't...basically, an N' doesn't talk to a person, they talk 'at' a person and the way they speak is classic manipulation. My ex would say things with such ambiguity, that he could always decide later what he really meant. If I guessed one way, and he was punishing me, he would exclaim he meant the other way--it was an open path to keep me off balance. And if he was liking me one day, he'd not only let me be right in my interpretation, but congratulate me that I 'got' him when no one else could. He said once when I called him on it, years later.."maybe I'm not doing anything like that. Maybe it's just how I am and you never understood." Right...a slam and a guilt trip in one!! (mostly he was horrified because I did, FINALLY, 'get' him..but it was lifting the mask and he didn't like it.)

And this is where I get confused. He had shown exceptional skill and patience in suckering me in the first time. He lacked all finesse the second time.
Yeah, that confused me too. Until I realized, the fact is NPD's are lazy. He had already groomed me the first time, and I provided no new stimulation the second time...why expend effort when he only had to use that little he'd already put out. Conversly, they don't like to go after a new source because it takes too much effort to start over, so they'll stick with what they have, even if it is less than working for them, rather than look for a different source. And you experienced what I did....laziness.


He even tried to tell me that the whole reason he broke up with me was because it hurt him too much that he couldn't be with me to comfort me like he wanted to. This is a man who previously had made no attempt to comfort me. Had gone out of his way to shut me down and tell me to suck it up when I was upset now I was supposed to accept that he was hurt because he couldn't hug me?

Mine did as well...if I cried he got angry because it showed I was weak, and if I was weak, I was certainly not good enough for him. He depended on me being 'strong'...often commented on how strong I was. I didn't realize that it was a warning, NOT a compliment. He also rarely showed any emotion suggesting sadness, unless it was meant to achieve something. He had cried in front of me...of course, I understand why, now, and it had nothing to do with what his words were saying.

Did he simply think I was that stupid? Your intelligence or lack thereof meant nothing to him, was not even a consideration. The fact is, once the N has secured a source using tried and true effects, they rarely ever change tactics. It's like following a road map he's no doubt followed over and over until the path is memorized and he hardly has to think whilst doing it anymore. Of course, he never noticed that you had figured it out (whether you acted on this observation or not is moot)..why would he? What he did, he did much like breathing. Your responses only logged in his mind if they were the correct ones. If they weren't, he dismissed you.

Was he always this obvious and I was just finally aware? I'd like to say it wasn't obvious, but odds are, it was. If you were like me with a parent who was NPD, it would all seem totally natural. As a co-dependent, it would always be about him, and again, completely natural.

I know he had at times blatantly admitted to screwing with me but when actually manipulating me he was generally much smarter about it.

A quick story: When my ex and I were still together, and about the time I was starting to figure out what he was doing..the gaslighting, manipulation etc...I decided I needed to take a break. I sent him a brief email: "I'm going to be offline for awhile...family, not you."
Now we hadn't talked in about 5 days, as he was punishing me for something, but I had sent about 3 emails prior to this one, and he'd ignored them. I got a reply to this one, the following day: "sorry, internet is so bad. couldn't even log into mail. bt trying to sort out their problems again. managed to use a work pc for this. hope being away for you isn't family problems. speak soon "
Now, with an NPD, you can't take anything said at face value, and actually the whole thing had to be disected. His excuse about the internet was weak...he'd used that in the past but had always found a way to contact me..never waiting 5 days. He never mentions the previous emails sent (even tho a couple included pics he'd asked for), because they were not the focus of his reply. You see, he was free to ignore me at will, however I was NOT afforded the same ability, and by saying I was going to be 'offline' that is exactly what it meant to him. So then the next comment hoping my issue with family was not a 'problem' was also a lie. He didn't exactly WANT there to be a problem, but a problem would safely (for his ego) explain my unwarrented (in his opinion) absence. If I replied saying that no, myself and family were going to take a vacation, for example, he would have come unglued.
Anyone reading his reply would assume he was being kind and concerned. I realized what he was really being...for him, it was a trap, and one I'd fallen into far to often. In the old days (and this was just prior to my breaking up with him) I would have responded immediately, reassuring him all was well etc and that would have opened the door to a world of hatefilled accusations i.e. "you're going to have fun with your family and not speak to me?? You don't care about my feelings, everything has to be about you!" etc. awww the mind of the NPD. I had finally caught on. I simply didn't answer for about a week. When I came back....it was to end it. I needed that week to really look at what he had been doing, as painful as that was.

Gah, I can't tell which parts were him being mean or me being pathetic.....
Nothing pathetic about you, and nothing intentionally mean about his headgames...they were and are learned responses. They've helped stabilize him and he hasn't a clue he's even doing it on any other level than..doing 'this' receives 'this' reaction.

Btw....I remembered how my tears made him almost apopleptic; he hated weakness, especially mine. So when I broke up with him, I didn't cry. Not one tear. Because I knew it would make him want me more. It was a headgame I played against him, because finally, I understood how his mind worked. Was it mean? Oh, yes. But I only took advantage of the 'cheat sheet' once. It felt wonderful...and when he'd gone, I bawled like a baby.
This time, though....for me.