I feel hopeless about myself and my situation. It's not like it's a bad situation. Well at least to those on the outside. 21, stuck in my parent's house with no friends, an over 3 year gap of nothing since I graduated highschool, can't get a girlfriend because of my toxicity. Also because I never leave the house. Depression which makes me near bed-bound and it's like I try to get outside help but I can't seem to make the appointments ever because of the fact that the anxiety+depression feed off of one another.

Also I feel pretty hideous about myself. It makes me self-conscious when in public. People aka my parents tell me I have lost a lot of weight yet I still think I look hideous.

People would probably consider me very over-sensitive. I don't really see it as a bad thing. It probably is a bad thing and is the reason I am in such a position as I am now. Afraid to leave the house and unable to live a normal life.

I have suicidal thoughts. Sometimes homicidal fantasies. On a near daily basis. What helps bring them about I realize is just trying to talk to other people. My social inadequacy and jealous tendencies, ruin my ability to be around other people. My lacking social ability ruins my-

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I try to talk about my problems on the chat thing here but that never seems to work out well. Mainly because I am not that good at romanticizing my problems like some users on there. Such romanticizing that I realize trying to discuss my problems on there won't do me any good at this point. Mainly because it further pushes the idea in my head that I am not worthy of being helped because all of these other people are *so much worse than me* when that is probably not the case.

I've become rather anti-social as of late at the realization that talking to other people hurts me over and over again. I have begun to prefer to kill conversations swiftly. I've found people to be rather boring. "oh maybe that is because you're boring!" You could say that I have become boring because I am tired of putting in the effort to sustain a conversation because most of the time it leads nowhere anyway. I am tired of trying to be friendly.

It wouldn't matter anyway because I discuss them and I get the usual responses that don't know what they are talking about or seek to make themselves feel better because they can just put me down aka arrogance.

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I've become rather bitter about trying to be friends with anyone or be nice to anyone because it just ends up feeling like too much effort. Everything feels like too much effort.

Yet this world seems to revolve around how many people you can get together to circlejerk one another. People will tell me that it doesn't matter how well you can socialize when oh ho how wrong is that!?

No social = No life. You can't get anywhere unless you can socialize. Which I can't seem to do.