Yeah I feel very aparthetic today. I think something T said about my "defenses" has been going round and round in my head. Starting to feel like I'm loosing something. When I told T yesterday I felt like I was dying last week, she replied "or rather your defenses are dying"

Its like everything I've always done without being aware of before, is to big to miss now. Sirens keep going on when I'm acting or thinking in a particular way, but without this old ways, Its feels kinda lonely right now.

All the "magical" thinking that has kept me company all my life is breaking down, and it feels like I have no where to turn to hide now but to face my Real self!

You know whenever I've said something in T, T's reply has always been "and what is your fantasy around that?" I use to look at her in bewilderment, not understanding what she meant, as my fantasys were the only reality I knew. Now I know when I'm doing it and find myself asking myself "now you know thats BS so whats the truth?"

Even down to something like, I'm walking along, my mind miles away, and find myself compensating for my insecuritys, daydreaming that my figure is fine, then I catch a glimpse of myself in a shopwindow and see its not a perfect figure and now I have to tell myself "so?" why would you be any better a person if your figure was "Perfect?" and I have to struggle to find how to still like myself with an imperfect figure. Just mad stuff like that. ANd when you confront yourself, it feels really depressing to realise all you've done in your mind all these yrs has been crap! its been one fantasy after another, trying to prop yourself up. I used to use booze to prop the fantasys up, now they're falling and its hard and dark and just real I guess.

Ramble ramble ramble.