I know what I've done has hurt you, I know it tore you apart piece by piece. I'm sorry for the pain I have caused you. 5 Years together, the ring on my finger that promises that we will be faithful and love each other until the end of our lives. But I have a secret that you figured out; That bottle hidden in my dresser or my closet, hiding behind my clothing, in the shadows. It makes me ache, how much I crave you, how I have destroyed my engagement for you. How I have made my life a living hell just to have a couple hours of release. The pain in my head, the confusion the ridiculous things I did when I was out of my mind. I didn't take my medication, I didn't try hard enough. I finally found an escape. My sweet nectar my sweet God, my alcohol.

I have been drunk for months. I don't remember much. I had been diagnosed with Bi-Polar II at the beginning of the year, I think about March 2014, I didn't take it seriously, though I wish I had. I didn't take my medication, and it had gotten to a point that I was so depressed I drank to suppress the feeling of helplessness, the worthlessness, the whole inside of my mind and my heart.

I ran across the wet cement, the cold rain raced down my drenched dress. I run, I don't know why I am running, but the burning inside my chest makes me insane. I just want to feel like I can control my body, I don't even feel myself anymore, it's like watching my body from the outside, I see me, but I can't control myself. The tears mix with the ice cold rain and I feel numb. I can hear the cars ahead of me the busy road rushes in the distance, with no worry in the world. I run closer and closer to the sound. My bare feet touch the pavement, and a car rushes past me, the horn of the car gets seeped away in the sweet air as it rushes by. I want to jump, I want to run. I want to get lost in the cars, I want to get lost in these peoples lives, I want to understand them. I want to know the secret of how they keep it together. My heart races, It would be so easy to just run into the street, It would be so easy. No one would know. I daydream for just a moment as I step away.

If only I had the courage. I wouldn't have to feel this anymore.