Christian theology led my adolescent mind to a great deal of emotional turmoil and pain. It was unhealthy and promoted a chaos of thought - one might say I had an allergy to it. I was continually referencing my perceived world to an external influence rather than being introspective on a practical level.

Failing to cope led to sins that must be repented of rather than simply mistakes to be learned from. It provided emotional stressors that I needed to cope with on top of intense emotional instability, social isolation, suicidal ideation, hypersexalization, psychotic thoughts of harming others that frightened me... I would pray during the anguish and despair of my most intense depressions for blurred amounts of time and then, sometimes, I would suddenly feel better, relieved of the pain and torment - God loves me, I am redeemed! - and then I would crash about twenty minutes later with the depressing realization that it was mania, it was false hope, it was a delusion that ever served to haunt my every failure to cope in accordance to the laws of God.

My ability to cope was continually compromised because that system of belief increased stress, thereby increasing stress hormones which adversely affect the brain's chemical balance which further inflamed the ongoing trauma.

Where others felt spirit I would feel nothing, numb, or guilt, shame, despair, and self-hate for not having control over my spiritual welfare. I was ten when this began, thinking that the answer must be faith because that's what works for everyone else around me.

Only when the concept of a higher power became null in my mind did the world start to make sense. Even this hasn't been enough to find peace, but at least I know what I must focus on in order to cope: myself in relation to my environment.

For many individuals theology is an effective coping mechanism, but for myself it was salt on an open wound that I nor any I have yet met know how to effectively treat. Even so, I have made rapid progress after my change in worldview.