Sorry my reply is late. Depression comes in waves, and when a depressive episode arrives, I often find that I don't want to move or really do anything.

I'm not even, really, sure how to respond. I feel like the past year has numbed me, perhaps even dumbed me down. My responses suffer when I'm in a funk.

The withdrawing.. the isolating.. yes, those are horrible, too. Perhaps they are part of what led to my feeling stuck.

I struggle to post because I'm afraid of sounding bitter. And that's strange, isn't it? I find, more and more, that I sound bitter. It's hard not to. What can I plan to look forward to? I have sought out events, they all cost money. I have tried to plan things with my sisters, and it always falls flat. I plan small things, but the isolation takes out the joy I would have once received from doing such things. And I'm aware that the depression is creating this cycle of self pity, and that's where my guilt comes in. And why I feel stuck.

What I'm doing isn't working. But I don't know what else to do. And right now, I'm exhausted.

How would I define happiness? I don't know. I can't remember ever legitimately being happy. I don't remember a time before the depression. I don't remember a time before the mental illness.

I guess this is coming out a bit bitter. So, for now, I'm going to retreat. Because I don't want to come across as bitter. I'm not. Although, feeling like I'm stuck has made me somewhat cynical. And I hate myself for that as it is.

ETA: I don't want to be happy. So, I don't care what happiness is.

I just don't want to be depressed. I do not think the two are opposites at all.