i'm so annoyed and exhausted right now even typing annoys me.

during the last two weeks I gave myself a break from life. I did as little as possible and preferably things that are pleasant. and it worked. I had more and more good moments. started to feel a bit lighter.

now I'm visiting my parents. staying a couple of days. my aunt is also here who I see rarely and that means I have to put on my friendly face. and this is really tiring.
my parents consider this visit some sort of wellness holiday because I don't need to take care of anything. usually it would be like that but it isn't. I love my aunt but her being here is troubling me. she doesn't know about my depression and is not supposed to know. that makes everything difficult.
also there is some sort of celebration going on here for several days. everyone knows each other I am supposed to show up.
yesterday was the first day of that and it was horrible and extremely triggering. there were lot's of people which (as I sure mentioned in every single previous post) makes me panic. and they knew who I am so I had to be friendly and chat. moreover my mother started whispering to me information about current events about people that I should memorize and act according. like who I should say hello to and what they were doing since we met last so I could talk about that to those persons.
people of course asked me what I was doing after my graduation and which job I have and if I wasn't worried about the future and why I had no husband etc.
and I had to put on a smile and answer patiently and friendly (pretending I was glad to be asked). "I don't know. no. nothing. I have no idea…"
as a little surprise my mother chose that I should drive because she wanted to drink wine. have been avoiding driving for several months because I am very dizzy and sleepy all the time and basically not fit to do that. so it was not exactly safe. but I did.

I guess I laughed at something yesterday which made my parents believe I was just fine again. so they expect me to take part in those kind of activities. but actually my condition has become a lot worse since I've come here. I must find a way to stop that. I don't want to go back downhill.
it's a very difficult situation for me. because my family gets offended if I isolate myself.
also I noticed they get offended a lot when I am not well for no reason. they think being around family should be enough to be fine. i tried to explain earlier but it's useless. so I just try to avoid any kind of confrontation.

they are helping at the celebration. everything is busy here and loud and triggering. my mothers voice is loud and excited and she is discussing all the time how to do everything at the celebration. it's so overcharging but they don't understand why. I will have to go there again. today, tomorrow, each day until I leave. I don't want to be looking forward to leaving because I love my family. and the guilt I don't spend all that pleasurable time with them is killing me.
there are also so many memories here, things that remind me of my happy childhood and whatever and I always want to start crying because of that.

what can I do? I feel like getting worse and worse. and they think I should be getting better and better because of such a loving environment. I tried to explain that I need more calm but they think calm is if I am not working myself which is true all the time.

I cannot leave early. that would be so insulting and I don't want to cause that kind of trouble either because a fight will not exactly help me.

It's like I was in Disneyland and I would just cry at the mere sight of Mickey Mouse.