Okay, pointless rant here, just to let out some feelings . I was working on a project at home when I let my mind wander. My mind almost always wonders, so I can't help it . It just that this time, it really hit me how badly I'm living my life. I'm rarely hit with this idea. Sure, I'm working and etc. but I'm not happy . What started this is that I thought about how some people are really happy. I imagined a group of young friends hanging out once and awhile or something and doing fun stuff. I imagined people going home with only a very small amount of stress on their mind and simply enjoying the day. Even people I know in real life seem to be pretty happy, even with their problems. Just thinking of this made me cry and realize that maybe my life isn't actually a happy one, or even anywhere near it.

For me, even my happiness is just to hold back whatever painful fears or stress I have that day. It's seems like fear or stress is the bulk of my life. And not small stresses or fears, but larger ones I don't think I really need to worry about. Sometimes it feels like I simply live life being handed off from one bad situation to another. Going home or going out, I still feel the same way. When people ask me how I'm doing and I have little to say, I swear they are creeped out by me. Even looking at my face in the mirror I see pain and unhappiness written into it, if you know what I mean. Just the unchanging expression. It's like I can't find peace and happiness anywhere or in any form. I really don't want to live like this anymore, and want to change things. I think I do it to myself. I suppose I'll need to work with a therapist through this.

Pointless rant over . Sorry about that. Thank you for reading.