Hi Clara,
Thank you for responding. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that you have. **Hugs**. I guess you're correct there will always be the genetic/blood "link," or whatever a good term for it may be. I think a parent can "disown" you by cutting you off...you know, refusing to talk to you anymore or not consider you her/his child anymore. The implication is abandonment. What hurt so much about that particular comment is that a few years later she got on medication for anxiety and depression and asked me for help doing so after putting me down for needing help for so long and mocking my sadness. I had an abusive father who I stopped talking to years ago due to severe emotional affects I would get after being in his presence for any amount of time.
My problem I guess is I have applied for disability and got denied and am trying the process again (which is hard for me b/c getting denied made me feel very undeserving)...but I struggle financially. My mother is the only person besides my boyfriend I can ask for help. I have not been able to hold a job or a relationship for any sustained period of time. I had to move home a few years ago, b/c I couldn't afford to stay where I was anymore and when I did, my mother verbally attacked me on a daily basis, would not give me food, froze and heated me out of the house. My pain is high. I had a lot of trouble dealing with these conditions. She would bring my grandfather around the house and I would have panic attacks around him, yet she did not care. When my brother came home, she showered him with food and affection while she basically ignored any need I had.
I don't know why people can't understand my feelings...I guess I'm really horrible at explaining myself. The pain of rejection from my parents is horrible and I feel it on a daily basis and the memories repeatedly return even though I wish the thoughts to stop. I do take medications and go to therapy...but I don't socialize much (here) I guess and I feel too weak to shower or do anything. One therapist asked me why I care what my mother thinks, but I felt like that was saying why do I breathe? I don't know, if I had a child...I would never abandon them...it is a lifetime commitment. I don't know, I feel like I will spend the rest of my life looking for answers or a way to feel like I deserve even one good thing. Thanks, again.