sorry if this is confused. I am confused. don'T manage to reread this to check if it makes sense.

I'm all the way back. I just want to curl up in a dark corner and hide there forever!

this evening was a collection of things that are triggering. tons of old people coming way too close and spitting at my face while talking, asking me about my life so to make me sum up again and again all of my major failures. people shouting into my ear, crowds of people around me. a life band playing music that was chosen to be triggering. (they chose the best songs to get you depressed, I should start a thread about that!) people panicking over some minor issues with the arrangement of the evening and involving me in that.

and everybody touched me! if I were an animal I had bitten of their hands. even when I was standing in the remotest corner somebody came and stood right next to me. was quite a challenge but I managed not to cry.

didn't have anything to eat yet. I'm freaking starving but I don't feel like getting into the kitchen and make something.

my parents are just focused on my aunt and the celebration. everything has to be representative including me. wow, my mother got so nervous when we left the house 1 minute late.
I had to drive again. for any normal person there would be nothing wrong about all of this. I actually do get why someone wouldn't understand that I have a problem.
each time I want to say something my aunt suddenly starts talking. and I stop.

… this sounds horrible… I am a horrible person to complain. I have the most understanding and loving family you could ever imagine…. and still I feel like this!

I can rarely be alone. even if I go somewhere to be alone someone shows up a minute later and want's to know all about my life. that's meant to be nice but it's torturing me.
I feel like hiding all the time. I am actually hiding in the bathroom a lot.

I don't think any non-visible thing will do as an excuse. although I know this is a very unreasonable idea I am suffering a lot from the asymmetry of my physical and mental condition.
sometimes I dream about being injured badly by any sort of accident to make it right. I know this would make nothing better but only worse. I don't really want that. it's just an image I have on my mind a lot and there is some kind of weird desire linked to it.

I think my family expects that whole depression thing to be over soon. who knows, maybe it is. but possibly not in the way they would like.
they are avoiding to speak about it. even if I try to explain what I'm experiencing. they sure want to help me. but they have no clue how. even if I tell them. they just don't get it.