I am not a therapist, (not even close). And I will not pretend that I have "the answer" for you.

But here is what I am hearing from you:
- you have a bunch of things that you ruminate over (and that keeps triggering you)

- you have some obsessive issues (many people do)

- you are NOT NOT NOT a bad person. in fact you sound like a very nice person (only a good person would care about becoming bad).

- I am guessing you have some anxiety issues too.

How to deal with it? You will need therapy (and yes the month wait to see someone is pretty normal and yes it sucks).

Best wishes to you.