Okay I hope you guys aren't sick of hearing about group therapy yet.

Last night I was almost completely mute in group therapy, unlike the week before when I seemed to have a lot to say. There were some things I thought I wanted to talk about (outside events that had upset me), but I couldn't seem to find a place to bring them in and then I decided I wasn't sure if I really wanted to talk about them at all anyway. So I mostly just listened (and occasionally tuned out).

Today when my therapist asked me why I didn't mention these things I said I might be in the camp who wants to focus group therapy only on the interpersonal relations in the room and not on outside events. He said he thought it was best to have some of each. It's probably mostly just that I'm unsure whether I really want to talk about something or not.

But my later comment on group was an analogy: I compared my feelings about group to when you try to watch a TV show that everyone says is great but you just can't get into it. Y'know? Basically just "not my thing." Funny how little this type of reasoning works in therapy. 'Cause then he's immediately on a track about why it is you can't get into the show that everyone likes (is it the theme? Does it remind you of something you don't like? Does it bore you, etc. etc.?) All those unsaid things. And he asked me why I didn't express some of these things about how I felt in group. I think I finally said "That's so outside my nature that it's never even going to occur to me." That, of course, is when he offered me help in group. Meaning I'm more likely to be mute next time because I'll worry about what he'll do with whatever I say -- That part's because I have pretty bad social anxiety which is an impediment to expressing how I feel (if it DID occur to me to express it to begin with). I don't even notice on a conscious verbalizing-type level how I really feel, at least not until later on when I've had a chance to think about things.

So there's an update on my Adventures in Group Therapy. I wonder if I'll ever think this stuff is worth it or if it'll always just be a source of confusion.

Sidony